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Saturday, May 24, 2014

The Power of Coping

Here's the thing with pain and sorrow... we all deal with it differently. 

For some of us, we are built to be resilient. Those are the ones who hardly cry, at least not in front of us. The ones who everyone else turns to for strength. They are the rocks of the world. The ones who keep the world from crumbling to pieces. I am married to my rock.

Some of us have to work really hard to keep it under control. 
And then, some of us can't. 

I am not naturally a strong person. I am strong because I work really, really hard to make myself this way. It is not in my blood, but I see where I could end up if I don't take control.

It is an everyday effort. Anyone who has ever suffered from a loss knows that at any moment you can be flooded with emotions. These emotions are not easy to control, and nor should you all of the time. It is good to cry.

So I cry... and then I pray. As I begin to pray, I immediately give thanks

Yes, I give thanks. 

No matter what happened, I know deep in my heart that there was a reason for it. I am grateful that this has made me stronger. It has made kinder. It has made me want to be a mother more than ever. I am grateful for my little angel. For the short 15-weeks that she was growing inside of me, she changed my life.  I feel more alive than ever. 

Our 1-Year-Anniversary, Asbury Park, NJ
The most rewarding part is that I never knew I could love my husband anymore than I did before, but I do. Going through such a challenge together can either make or break your relationship. I am so grateful that it made my relationship so much stronger. I don't know what I would do without my rock, and for that I am forever grateful.

John and I celebrated our 1-year wedding anniversary last Sunday. Just like I did on our wedding day, I felt like the luckiest girl alive. It amazes me how much we have been through in our first year of marriage. It amazes me how much I love him.

If you have read my posts before, you know I am a strong believer in homeopathy, as it has helped me with my health in so many ways. 

When we first received the blood work results that the baby had a high chance of having Trisomy-18, I was distraught. I could not even speak without completely breaking down. I felt like my entire body was collapsing. After going three days like this, and unable to hold a conversation with anyone, I went to see my Chiropractor/ Homeopath. When I began telling him what had happened, he pointed out my breathing. I was taking huge gulps of air in between every few words, fighting to hold it together and to communicate what I needed to say. He immediately recommended I take Bach Relax Serum, and Ignatia. Bach is that product that everyone should carry around in their purse. It is the flower essence for anxiety and stress. It is my happy serum, and it's all natural. Ignatia is used for this exact situation, stress. The two helped to calm me down just enough so I could think rationally, and begin putting my coping skills to use. After we loss the baby, he suggested I add adrenal drops and Sepia. The addition of the two helped balance my hormones and provide my body and mind the opportunity to heal.

Sometimes when we go through sorrow, we are in so much pain that we forget what we can do to help ourselves. All it takes is someone reminding us. I am so grateful that my doctor gave me the push I needed, and so I followed his suggestions, and then I was able to do what I know best: meditate, run, and write.

Wise Fortune Cookie- Wise Hubby :)
Every morning I start my day with giving thanks. It really helps put into perspective all that is important and good in my life.

 After I give thanks, I go downstairs and I meditate. Meditation has helped me deal with so much heartache. It has taught me how to breathe, clear my mind of worry, and live in the moment. It has transformed me from a high anxiety perfectionist, to a calm, easy going person.  I am currently doing Deepak Chopra's guided Abundance meditations. The mediations have been another catalyst in helping me to recognize all of the abundance in my life. As Deepak Chopra says in day 1, "Today I behold all of the abundance that surrounds me..." regardless of what we are going through, there is still so many wonderful things to be grateful for.

As I mentioned in  my last post, writing has always been an outlet for me. Writing that last blog post gave me so much strength and so much joy in a time of sorrow. It is because of you, my readers, who reached out to me through private messages, and Facebook posts, that really gave me a sense of pride and power. You gave me strength. That day was the first day I felt happy. Your stories and words of encouragement, really touched me. I know I am not alone. Thank you.

It is so wonderful to see how many people come through for you when you go through something like this. Now that is something to be grateful for.

Ella after our run in the woods, she is the BEST running partner!
Sometimes when we deal with pain, we feel like our bodies are going to explode if we don't punch something. The best thing to do is to release this energy.  No, I am not suggesting for you to punch your husband or the walls... but pushing your body to exercise everyday. I am pushing myself harder than ever, and running is my drug. I prefer not to do it alone, as being alone can often be hard when you are vulnerable. My husband is waking up early every morning with me to do an intense 30 minute P90X3 workout. Working out together and releasing that energy together, makes us both more calm, and it releases those feel good endorphins. We start our day feeling accomplished, and knowing that now we have more time after work for each other.  Since John works later than I do, I take that time to bring Ella, my fur-child, for a run in  the woods. I find that when I am alone and bored, is when I am flooded with those sad emotions. The combination of running and being immersed in nature, makes me feel so powerful and so grateful for that power. Running has saved me many times in the past, and it has yet to disappoint. Running with my best friend, couldn't bring me or her any more joy!

... and my walls, and husband, are all intact.

I know I will never forget my baby. It was a painful 15 weeks, but I wouldn't change a thing. I now have a little angel in heaven, and I can't wait to one day meet her and hold her in my arms. She has given me strength, and I am so grateful for that.

I hope this post finds others who trying to cope with loss. Just know that you are not alone. With time, and with a little self-love, you will get through this. You just have to take control and do what you need to do for yourself

With love, gratitude, and strength <3


  1. I just wanted to comment that I am joining you. I also have PCOS and my story is similar. After 2 years of struggling to get pregnant, we did a Femara IUI and got pregnant this past January. M/c at 5 weeks. Tried two more Femara cycles before deciding to go the natural route for a while. Well we got lucky. Got pregnant in May all on our own. We were stoked! But then we got unlucky. We found out the baby had Down Syndrome and a possible heart defect. I went back for additional testing and it turned out the baby had died at 13 weeks. Now we are going it the natural way. Please keep posting. Let me know if something works for you. I am trying Inositol powder along with Vit D, calcium, chromium, etc... the list is long.

  2. Kelly, I am so sorry for your are you doing? I for some reason never saw this comment until now. I hope it finds you healthy and happy! ❤️